open

"Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting." -Psalm 139:23-24

I think it would be hard for anyone to deny that the Psalms are beautiful, but I gotta say that there are times where my appreciation for them intensifies. I find my life experience in them. There are moments where I think, "Oh, David, I am so right there with you!" Today I had one of those moments.

I identify with Mary (mother of Jesus) when scripture says she "pondered these things in her heart." When God gets our attention, a sense of wonder is produced. His works are something to marvel at. So, I've been pondering things in my heart. The last couple days I've re-read my journal entries starting from a year ago until now. It's been a great read. I'm definitely different. I know Jesus differently. I know Him more personally. I encounter Him tangibly. And He's near! Near to the point where I get why one would say "You are the air I breathe."

What I've been wondering is what made the difference? My walk with God before this 'change' was definitely legit and real - yet I've found myself in much deeper waters, experiencing a Savior who, like David, I marvel at and long for. There's no doubt that the retreat I went on earlier this year triggered this, but why? Why did I come out of that so changed? This is where I started thinking about openness. I remember being encouraged at the begining of the retreat to open myself up to God. And in one sense, it's a no brainer. Duh! But I felt the risk involved in that. I really wrestled with it. I felt vulnerable and wondered if I was opening myself up to more than God. I wanted to be sheltered, I was scared of what I would experience, scared that I would experience more of my own foolishness than God Himself. But I took the risk and, admitting my fear to Him, I opened myself up. Wow did He ever come in.

As He has moved around ever since then, I've been experiencing freedom. He's moving into spaces that I didn't even know were closed. Rooms that I don't like being in. Sore spots. And as He speaks truth to me in each of these rooms, my trust in Him deepens. It's such a healing experience in which I often join David in saying, "Search me and know my heart. Test me. Know my anxiousness. Find the offenses in me. Lead me to You!"

It's hard to articulate, but the way I imagine this change to look like is a turning of my face toward Him. I feel the posture of my heart not only open, but also turned in His direction. Begging to be exposed by the light of His face.

I'm learning. My eyes are being opened, but I know that I have much to see. In fact, the more I begin to 'get it', the bigger it all becomes. Yet, I'm convinced that this is it. This is what it means to be in relationship with Jesus. It's something to be experienced, something that leaves us changed - deeply and miraculously changed. Something completely worthy of opening myself wholly to. A priceless treasure worth absolutely every part of me.