If you've spent any time talking to me or reading these posts, you probably already know that surrender has been a pretty huge and consistent theme in my life lately. This journey toward 'letting go' continues ...
It's not so much that I want to understand what surrender is (although I do think there's a whole lot there I don't get), it's more that I'm just barely tasting it and wondering if it's something I'm capable of consuming. Telling myself it's a good idea to surrender is completely different from feeling my spirit releasing even the smallest sense of 'control' over to the unknown. Trusting that, even though I cannot see, touch, or manipulate Him, God exists in the 'unknown' - not as a distant and fading concept, but as a living, active, intimately involved Being who is always loving on and caring for me. This is where my mind starts to spin ... so I'll move on.
Recently, all these thoughts have turned into a felt 'challenge' to actually live this out. I've taken a lot of personality tests and there's always those common results that emerge. One of those is that that I'm a 'conflict avoider'. I've always thought about that in an external sense, but lately I'm realizing it's pretty true internally as well. My days are full of little moments that threaten my sense of control and instantly I'll feel this internal battle. In fact, I can be pretty productive, laugh, carry out conversations etc ... and, at the same time, be fighting against these mysterious enemies that are only felt, never seen. Subconsciously I conclude that something is wrong and I have to fix it. Somehow I need to find a quiet place for my soul to rest, free from the tension and threats it feels - which, at best, is temporary relief and, at worst, becomes manipulation. But then I started to filter all this through the lens of 'surrender' and here's what I'm starting to see ...
What if there is a reason for the tension? What if my effort to numb and escape it all is actually keeping me from changing? I mean, the question isn't really whether or not something is wrong. Of course something is wrong, I'm wrong! The question is, how does that get fixed? And do I want to be fixed or do I just want to stop feeling the reality that I'm a mess?
I found myself telling God last night that, "It feels like You're asking me to surrender to the crashing waves when what I want is a quiet stream." (Which is probably true of most of my life) Sitting by an ocean and having waves wash hard over me continually is not nearly as appealing to me as sitting by a still, quiet stream, gently dipping my feet in. It's not that I think I have the power to tell the waves to leave me alone, but I do see how this is an invitation to surrender. I can spend my time trying to keep my sand castles standing or I can sit and let the waves wash over me. Kind of like one of those stones you find on a beach that lies there receiving the crashing waves until it's rough edges change into something perfectly smooth.
Surrender to discomfort. Surrender to the unknown. Believing, trusting, that these are His waves - this is His love - that crashes over me.
