dependence

I don't know how God speaks to everyone, but its often my experience that I learn what He is teaching me through themes. The big over-arching theme for me right now is 'trust', but recently that has narrowed in on the idea of dependence. It's been coming up way too many times to ignore and has led my heart into times of repentence. Repentence is always good affirmation that it's really God I'm hearing, so in confidence of that, here is what has sunk in so far:

This theme began to emerge through times of prayer. When lent started, there were several things weighing on my heart. I wrote them all out and have committed to praying for them daily through the lent season. As I've done this, I've noticed the intensity of my asking has increased. With every day that goes by, I have grown to realize more deeply that my ability to change or figure out the answers for any of these things is completely futile. I can't do a thing. I can't even act wisely in the simplest of things without receiving that wisdom from Him. So I have found myself saying more than any other phrase, "Only You can do this." I'm totally dependent.

Then I started reading through the story of Moses in Exodus. I've been completely drawn in. One of the things I keep coming back to is that when you know the whole story, what God is doing is so beyond anything deserved. He is not only redeeming the Israelites from their suffering; He is showing them, through their suffering, who He is. He's proclaiming that He is 'I Am' and He desires to be known in all His greatness. Then I'll suddenly remember that this is the same God who I just spoke to. And He hasn't changed! He is doing the same thing. Orchestrating everything so that we might know Him - the One who is mighty to save. Not just believe in Him, but know Him! That's a precious gift. And one of the things we learn about Him is that He is the sustainer and provider of absolutely every single aspect of who we are. I found this quote from J.A. Thompson's commentary speaking about the Israelites, "Nothing was possible without Him, and even to eat they had to await His pleasure." That level of dependence is not easily learned, but it is the level that I long to know it.

Then in church today we were reminded that suffering develops dependence on God. Indeed. I really don't like suffering and struggle much in watching others go through it. But the treasure that is produced is so attractive to me that, in comparison, suffering feels like a small price to pay.

So I've been putting all these things together and examining my life in light of them. What have I come to? Sorrow mostly. I know so little of this dependence. I feel like a foolish Israelite who continues to trudge along with little thought to the pillar of cloud that is leading me and what His purposes for each moment are. Rather, I catch myself getting hard on myself. Trying to be who I'm not. Trying to change myself by myself. Yet, in His grace, compassion, and patience, He keeps telling me, "You can do nothing. I can do everything. My power will be made perfect in your weakness. Trust Me." Truth has spoken those words. I believe them.

"In repentence and rest is your salvation. In quietness and trust is your strength." -Is. 30:15