blessing

I recently talked to someone about brokenness. The conversation reminded me of a passage I’ve turned to several times in my life when experiencing this. Here it is:

“Come, let us return to the LORD.
He has torn us to pieces
   but he will heal us;
he has injured us
   but he will bind up our wounds.
 After two days he will revive us;
   on the third day he will restore us,
   that we may live in his presence.
-Hosea 6:1-2

When I found this several years ago, I remember being wowed. It described brokenness so well. One of the conclusions I always come to when experiencing brokenness is the fact that it comes from God. Every single experience in this life filters through the hand of God. That thought makes God seem tough, yet every time I’ve experienced brokenness, I always find myself in the arms of a tender Savior where healing is experienced deeper than the wound was inflicted. He becomes all satisfying. He tears and then He heals. He injures and then He binds up the wounds. He revives and restores. And in the end I find myself alive in His presence.

This all ties into my “thought for the day”. Besides this conversation I referred to, I also heard some really good news this week. The kind of news that makes me excited. I think one of the reasons I was so excited is that this news came after a season of waiting and probably brokenness. This got me thinking about God’s blessings. I wonder if I would have been as excited had I not known about the wait that preceded this news. I began to think how the wait or the season of brokenness does something to us. It gives us an avenue to experience dependence on our Savior and therefore we encounter Him. We leave seasons of brokenness knowing personally the One who healed us. So that led to this thought: Blessing is so much more richly enjoyed when we know the One who bestows it.

Sometimes I get stuck in the fact that God brings difficulties to refine us and never enter into the overwhelming reality that He also blesses us. Yes, He’s in the business of making us holy. And within that He is also in the business of expressing His love. God is pleased when we turn our face to Him, when we acknowledge Him, and desire Him. It pleases Him to bring us closer to holiness, it pleases Him to reveal Himself to us so that we might know Him, and it pleases Him to bless us. I’ve been humbled by the blessing that I heard about. Humbled that God would turn His face, hear the calling out, and choose to graciously grant desires in order to bless His children. Awesome!

a prayer for sew

This week at ICSB is Spiritual Emphasis Week (SEW). It's a pretty anticipated week where a special speaker comes in and we have chapel every day. I've been joining the middle school chapels. The past couple days, as I sat toward the back watching the students worship and listen, I couldn't help but wonder what's going on in their minds. What sort of things are these kids bringing to this time? What consumes their world? Furthermore, I thought about the fact that we were all brought into this room intentionally. So why am I here? What in the world am I doing in Hungary sitting through a middle school spiritual emphasis week? I'm pretty sure I'm never going to know the full extent of those answers, but I also think I miss catching on to what God is communicating when I begin to go through the motions of life.

So in light of all that, I began praying during one of the worship times. Or at least, trying to pray. I feel a little 'out of tune' right now; my prayer was really just asking for direction in how to pray. Asking that I would see what He desires me to bring before Him. As I was praying this, I was also hearing the students singing "And Your bride will be so beautiful". It was in that moment that two things came in my mind. Two things to pray for ...

The first thing that came to mind was a picture of Christ making His bride beautiful. I love that image. It doesn't take much at all for me to feel ugly. My flesh is definitely an ugly place. But Christ makes us beautiful. Have you ever met those people that overflow with genuine joy? Their eyes sparkle. They smile a lot. They love on people. That's the kind of beauty I picture. The majority of these students have made committments to Christ and He has begun a work in their life. My prayer is that this week would deepen that. I desire for these students to see that their Savior is making them beautiful. He's getting His bride dressed, perfecting her, adorning her, making her breathtaking.

I also thought about this idea of marriage and the covenant relationship that it represents. There are several students in this school who haven't received this relationship. Some may not understand it. Or worse, there are probably those students who think they have it because they know so much about it, but know nothing of the transforming experience of being in a relationship with Christ. So I'm praying also that covenant commitments would be made. That as the bride of Christ begins to radiate in beauty, those who are not part of it would be drawn in. That the attraction of Christ would be irresistible.

The week isn't over and I'm writing this on here simply to ask you all to pray with me. I so deeply desire for people to know Christ, personally and intimately. Right now that desire is focused in on the individuals in this school. So ... we value your prayers!

shimmer

Yesterday was Friday. There's just something about that day that seems to give everyone an extra bit of energy. The highlight of my school day is 3rd period when I get 3 of my students at the same time. This class is particularly exciting on Fridays. If you could channel the energy in my room I think it might be enough to light up the whole city of Budapest. I love it. Yesterday did not disappoint. Friday excitement mixed with the "charades" type activity I had them doing was a lot of stimulation. At one point I found myself saying, "Ahhh! Guys, Simmer!!" Instead of conviction leading to quieter and calmer students, I was met with an uproar of laughter. (This wasn't too surprising, I'm told on a regular basis by this class that I'm a 'hilarious' person. Best part is, I don't even have to try.) I soon discovered that what was so funny was the word 'simmer', except that's not what they heard. My students heard the word 'shimmer'. For the rest of class I continued to hear, "Shimmer! hahaha Shimmer! gigglegiggle Everybody shimmer!"

This morning I found myself once again seeking to hear what God was saying to me. Through a rabbit trail of thoughts, I was led to the word 'wait'. This took me to Psalm 40:1 "I waited patiently for the Lord. He turned to me and heard my cry." I'm a little caught up in the phrase 'waited patiently'. I've been thinking how it's synonym could be 'simmer'. Sometimes life gets me uptight. So much could go wrong at any minute. So much is unresolved. So much coming at me. So many demands. My spirit resists tension, yet is never fully relieved from it's presence. At the same time, I have this growing attraction toward experiencing life. To be fully alive! I've always known that Christ offers me life, but how well do I live it? The growing knowledge of all that is wrong, the masses that are hurting, and the things needing to get done leaves me feeling as though fullness in living can't really be reached. What an awful thing to believe.

I love it that what my students heard me say was 'shimmer' because it so perfectly suites them. All 3 of them love and live life in a way I long to. Does waiting on the Lord mean I spend that time uptight and burdened by it all? Nope, something tells me that to wait patiently means not only to relax ... but also to live! Not in the future, but in the moment. Embracing His power to live in freedom. Shimmer is such a great word to describe this sort of living. It's attractive, captivating, appealing. It's drawing me in.

So where do I go wrong? What do I believe? If our Father calls us to life, do I really believe I can experience it? Do I believe that life in Christ trumps all the things that seek to pull me down? Is my belief a head knowledge, or the result of an encounter with a fully alive Savior?

Sometimes I find myself marveling at the relationship offered me. I mean, I'm in a relationship with the King of Kings! He's real. He really talks to me. His hand is literally on my life. It's all too big for me to wrap my mind around. But it's true. I believe and desperately desire Him to help me with my unbelief. Jesus really is enough. Enough power to overcome every obstacle. Enough joy to last every moment. Enough love to fulfill my deepest longings. Enough wisdom to orchestrate my days. Enough life to make me fully alive. More than enough!

I don't really have a conclusion to any of these thoughts. But that doesn't concern me too much. I don't know that they are the sort of thing needing to be 'concluded', rather they just need some living out. And, in His grace, this living out will change me - leaving me all the more alive.

lonely

It's been my experience that if you listen long enough, themes begin to emerge. It just hit me last week that right now the idea of 'loneliness' is one of them. I was writing a letter to a friend and found myself rambling about it. After I finished the letter my thoughts continued on the subject. So now that I'm a blogger and all, I thought this would be an appropriate place to express some of those thoughts.

What has drawn me to think deeper about loneliness is the realization that I've been hearing a lot of people express this feeling. Past conversations began popping up in my head, all sharing that loneliness was felt on a regular basis. I live in a very small, close-knit, missionary community, yet the truth is, most of those comments have been made within it. Furthermore, I feel pretty confident saying that those who haven't admitted such feelings to me would if I asked them. I can't personally deny them. I'm often lonely - longing for ... longing for ... what are we longing for??

It's my observation that many solutions are thrown out there when addressing this struggle. Most have to do with this idea of community. Small groups are formed. Filling social calendars is attempted. Homes are opened. But it doesn't seem to really work. The relief is only momentary. I mean, it's easy to understand why loneliness creeps in when we lack a "connected" social life, but I'm willing to argue that even in a deeply connected world, loneliness will still find you.

I hope I don't sound like I have issues with community because I'm actually a huge fan of it. Bonding is one of my favorite words and that takes community to pull off. All I'm getting at is that I don't think it's the answer. Here's what I found myself writing to my friend:

"It seems that the response is to figure out a way to either change ourselves or our circumstances in order to fix the problem. (I need to be more extroverted, I should get more involved in the community around me etc..) But then in other conversations we talk about how our deepest needs and longing can only be met in Christ. It's our message to the world around us that what they need is Jesus and they won't be satisfied with anything else. But are we, His children, satisfied? Have we experienced the sufficiency of Christ? Or do we still strive to meet our own needs? Frustrated that no matter how many church fellowships we join, we still feel lonely? I'm growing convinced that loneliness (in it's most raw form) is a longing to know Christ. It's our soul crying out to be restored to an authentic relationship with it's Creator. We are certainly called to be in community; God's Word is thick with a call to unity. But I wonder if we approach community as a needed step to get rid of that nagging lonely feeling; rather than entering community satisfied in Jesus - eager to know Him more as He reveals Himself through His body as a whole."

We got one thing right. Loneliness is a longing for relationship. But am I so foolish as to think there is an individual or community out there that can fill that? The problem is just too deep for that solution. In fact, I think it's so deep that only the Creator can touch it. But how cool is that? Our Creator wants us so much that He made us miserable outside of Himself. He gave us reason to long for Him, reason to seek Him, reason to worship Him. And He personally meets our longings, allows us to find Him, and accepts our worship.

Part of me experiences deep satisfaction in my Savior when I think about that and part of me feels trapped in my flesh. I think it's the difference between the act of being restored vs. fully restored. But I have hope. Someday He's coming again. Someday I'll be home. As for now, He is near.

unseen

I've been resisting the bloggin' world. For several reasons I suppose, but close to the top is a feeling that I'm committing to one more thing I will hardly be able to keep up with. Or perhaps it's because this is attempt #2 at keeping a blog. The truth is I don't really know why I've resisted, nor do I know why I'm spending my Sunday afternoon starting one. What changed? Don't know that either. All I know is that this morning I woke up hungry to hear what my Savior was saying and eager to see the unseen. So I sat in my mini "bay window" and paused. Then God began to do what I most deeply long for - He spoke to me. It's these encounters that leave me feeling like I've actually got something to say. Maybe I do.

You might be wondering what exactly He had to say this morning. I hope you are, because that's what the rest of this blog is about. It all began when I read a portion of "My Utmost for His Highest" that a friend directed me to. Talking about Is. 40:26 it said, "If we are children of God, we have a tremendous treasure in nature and will realize that it is holy and sacred. We will see God reaching out to us in every wind that blows, every sunrise and sunset, every cloud in the sky, every flower that blooms, and every leaf that fades, if we will only begin to use our blinded thinking to visualize it."

As I said earlier, I woke up with a longing in my heart. I wanted to see the unseen. I wanted to hear what is not heard. I was longing for an encounter with my Savior. So I sat in my window, stared out, and whispered, "Where are You and what are You saying?" I found myself fixating on an unusual cross standing in a yard across our street. I took a picture so you can see it too:

It was the two beams going across that got my attention. Why two? Maybe you actually know the answer to that and I'm exposing my ignorance here, but I found it unusual. Trying to guess at what God was saying, my first thought was something along the lines that two are certainly unnecessary because Christ needed only to die once. But then I began to think about my place when it comes to the cross. I've always pictured myself at the foot of it. This morning, however, I suddenly found myself on it, beneath Christ. With these images in my mind, I opened by Bible and began to read Romans 6 (no recollection of how I got to that passage). I read through verse 14. It's too long to put in here, so I'll just highlight a few things that stood out to me but add that it's worth the read. Vs. 3 "Or don't you know that all of us were baptized into His death?" Vs. 5 "If we have been united with Him like this in His death, we will certainly also be united with Him in His resurrection." Vs.8 "Now if we died with Christ, we believe that we will also live with Him." Vs. 10 "The death He died, He died to sin once for all; but the life He lives, He lives to God."

I finished reading this passage and thought, "Wow, I really do belong on that cross!" Identify with Christ in His death, in His suffering, and in His resurrection! We die to live. So backwards but rich with truth. It was at the end of the passage that I began to hear what God was saying to me this morning, "offer yourselves to God as those who have been brought from death to life ... for sin shall NOT be your master ... you are under grace." By the time I finished reading that God was screaming at me, "Live! My Son died that you would live! You died with Him so that you might live! You are free. Sin is not your master. Get up! Go! Live!"

I see.