Our Big Brother

So a little confession: I am compulsively curious. Not sure if that’s obvious and comes through; but it’s true. I want to know things and I want to know them now. So I think and think and think. I treat life like its one big mystery novel, where everything is a riddle that I’m compelled to figure out. In fact, I often resist living life because I want to figure out what that’s supposed to look like first (life is less messy that way, right?). But the problem I keep running up against is that I can never reach the end of the mystery. The plot thickens, then thickens again and again. After a while I feel myself start to spin until I’m left completely confused and not at all ok with the fact that I don’t have this figured out. So, feeling uncomfortable, I resist the confusion - only to find myself quickly falling into places of panic. By this point my mind is like a mixer that accidentally got switched to high speed – batter flying everywhere while I stand there shocked at the unexpected mess I’m making. Yet, it is in this place of panic and high speed thinking that His faithful voice often speaks to me. Not necessarily right away; that’s part of the reason why I’m panicking. But His voice has always broken through; which is part of the mystery, and of course something I’ve tried to figure out. :)
 

I realize that was quite the intro, but the stage needed to be set because yesterday batter was flying, panic was felt, and Jesus showed up. Before He said anything though, He simply brought me a cool glass of water. I drank the deeply refreshing words in Psalm 139:6; 12, “Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; it is high; I cannot attain it. Even the darkness is not dark to You.” I guess I was thirsty, because those words felt really good. Then He spoke to me and simply said, “Cease from striving.” I’ve heard those words before, but something was different about them this time. The way He said them felt out of context, yet strangely familiar. Finally it hit me; it felt like words from an older brother to his stressed out little sister. I had a rush of emotion when I realized that. It’s hard to explain why, but I’m going to give it a try.

I have a big brother who has his own, reserved spot in my heart (as does my little brother). There’s just something unique about the relationship of an older brother to his little sister; it’s a special sort of bond. In the past couple years God has touched me in some very deep places by relating to me in ways that I can understand. He shows up in my life as my Father, Master, Savior, and Friend. But as my Big Brother? That’s a new one for me. It hits me in that place where you can’t find words, yet somehow the most profound things are discovered. Big brothers get it. They’ve lived through what you’re in; you have the same experience except that they are on the other side of it. There’s also something ‘playful’ in your interactions, which I think comes from being able to relax in their love for you- unafraid that you’ll lose it. You sort of get this sense that you belong to your big brother – he owns you a little. So when he speaks, you listen. And when he tells you to do basketball drills for 30 minutes a night and serve a volleyball overhand unsuccessfully 100 times, you do it. (true story) :) But maybe my favorite part about big brothers is how protective they get. Because you are his, you are automatically looked out for.

I think I’ve had a pretty great big brother/little sister experience. But of course it’s not perfect. (I’m still a little bitter about all the times I was told to ‘be a man’, I mean, clearly I can’t do much about that.) But what is striking me about seeing Jesus as my “Big Brother” is that He plays that role perfectly. Jesus is the firstborn of all creation. He’s the perfect Son and the perfect Brother. He has walked through everything we experience. He gets it. And He knows the Father intimately.  So you can’t help but sigh with relief when He grabs you up in a hug and says, “Relax in the mystery, Sis. Our Father’s ways are so good and so beyond you. Cease from striving. I’ve got your back.”

There’s something else about seeing Jesus as the Firstborn that is striking me; it’s a little harder for me to relate to. There’s this element in which He is the reason I’m part of this family. In this current season of ‘confusion’, I’ve been wrestling with and feeling shame. At one point I just came out and asked my Father if He was ashamed of me. I sat with that question for bit and finally heard, “I am not ashamed of my Son, with Him I am well pleased.” It was like God was saying, “Child, don’t take your eyes off my Son. I’m looking at you through Him, do the same when you look at Me.” And that, I believe, is grace.

So there lies my conclusion: Grace. It recently hit me that my name actually means ‘full of grace’, and yet how gracelessly I live. Why?! Especially when grace seems to come from some sort of ever flowing stream. There is endless grace in the mystery and limitless grace in the mess. I really don’t have the mystery figured out, but I am sincerely and peacefully grateful for His grace.