my Author

Several times this school year I've had the thought that 'God is the Author of my story' get stuck in my head. It's been one of those thoughts that sort of spirals in and out, each time sinking in a little deeper. I had shared this with a friend a little while back and hadn't thought too much about it since then until she referred to it in a conversation we had today. It hit the deepest yet ....

You see, today I found myself slowly moving toward the 'gloomy' side of things. No big reason why, actually I was pretty annoyed by it. I guess I just felt tired of things staying as they were and I got consumed in the moment - as if my perception of things right now was a foreshadowing of a dim tomorrow. Again, I was annoyed by this.

I had another conversation today where my plans for next year came up. In all honesty, I expressed how I had no idea how things would play out for me - and therefore no idea what next year would look like - well, other than staying in Hungary. Something in that exchange threatened the stillness my heart was resting in. Maybe because I often search for peace in 'knowing' - I somehow convince myself that the more I know or can predict, the more peace I will have. But peace never comes that way because there is always that 'unknown' that threatens to rob you of what you do know. And here is the beginning of worry - not a place I care to spend much time.

So in the middle of these 'emotions' (and mostly because of my friends little reminder) I found myself repeating the words, "He is the author of my story and the perfecter of my faith." The more I said them, the more in awe I grew. He has written my story and He has perfected my faith. He is writing my story and He is perfecting my faith. My mind suddenly felt like a movie where all these scenes started flashing at me. Specific memories popped up, times where I cried so hard I felt sick and times where I laughed so hard I could no longer stand up. Times where I felt completely alone and times where I couldn't have felt more full. Times where I begged God desperately for things that I never got and times where I was overflowing with gratitude at what He'd given me. Then I'd see people's faces. People who left me full and people who left me shattered and broken - all impacting me in significant ways. But what is blowing me away more than anything else right now is that God wrote all that! And it's a fantastic story. Interwoven in each intentional event is the story of redemption. The story of this ugly, selfish little girl whose sin is found out by a perfectly Holy God - who doesn't condemn her, but redeems her! And the more you read the story, the more you realize that this is a Master author who wastes no details. Nothing. Every single detail somehow 'mysteriously' plays a role in perfecting this worthless little thing - giving her value and beauty and purity. It all  leaves me so undone.

So, in light of that, I'm sitting here feeling the tension that this 'thought' brings. The tension between feeling 'doomed' and feeling 'redeemed'. This sanctification process, it's no small thing. I mean, really, it's not! It's painful and requires total surrender to the process. It means I quit all these foolish attempts at grabbing the pen and editing my story ... But, you know, I think when we do that -when we let go- we experience the most exhilerating parts of the journey. "We are not in control, we are therefore free."

All that to say ... may we surrender to the Author today and enjoy fully the beauty of this story.