a year's journey ...

These last few days I've been reflecting on and remembering the journey God has taken me on this last year. As I thought, I started to write. This is what came out ...

This is Christ in me. I could not have imagined this. In my ugliness and resistance He invited me to open myself up to Him. I didn’t understand what that meant nor do I know how it happened. But it did. He filled every crevice I would give Him, leaving me with a continual lust for more. “It is true, you are my witness,” He has told me. And somewhere in the mystery of this journey, I have grown to deeply believe Him; and, yes, even love Him.

Fear has been my enemy. It has kept me captive; locked in from experiencing Him more deeply and richly than I ever had before. Fear has kept me from trusting Him, so I wouldn’t step outside the boat. But He met me in my longing and touched a desire within me that only He knew where to find. The desire overpowered the fear and I found myself walking on water. The experience was thrilling! I relaxed, and began to dance with Him. I’m a clumsy dancer, but got caught up in it anyway. I certainly could have “danced all night,” but that didn’t happen. Instead, He paused in the dance to talk to me. And in the most tender and loving of tones, He said, “Child, I’m going to take you to places you don’t want to go. Follow me.”

What?! I was uncomfortable and confused. I resisted. And yet at the same time I was falling in love. How could I not follow that Voice? He so clearly loved me. So I followed as best I could, walking through the pain it brought. I wasn’t dancing anymore. I was dying. Then He gave me something to drink. It was bitter and I got very close to spitting it out. But His Voice, in that deeply loving tone, responded to my resistance by saying, “Swallow”. I don’t know if I would have swallowed if I didn’t notice that He was drinking it too. After I finally got the first sip down I realized there was a whole cup to be drunk. “Why?” I kept asking. And His voice would say, “Consider the lilies and then you will know. Let go of all you cannot hold on to. Trust Me more fully than you ever have before.”

I would drink for a while, and then stop to argue. How many more sips do I have to take? I began to wonder if He cared, so I asked Him. He answered me, but this time His voice was firm. All He said was, “Call me Master.” In that moment I realized who I was. I was His servant, the one He had chosen. And if the Master says drink, you drink! So that’s what I continued to do.  As I did, I noticed something was changing in me. I began to see how I was something like a glass container that was layered in filth. This bitter tasting drink was cleaning the ugliness away. I was becoming transparent.  His purity was exposing itself through this vessel. It was beautiful. Not that I personally felt beautiful, rather the beauty was the beam of light within me that had found a way out. Overwhelmed, I got up and started to dance again.

I got caught up in this dance and didn’t realize we were moving again until I suddenly found myself in the middle of a busy and crowded place. People and activity were everywhere. I could barely hear His voice, if I was hearing it at all. I was distracted to say the least. I don’t know why, but I was instantly aware of everyone around me. I cared about what this crowd thought of me. I longed to worship Him and proclaim Him, but fear was taking over again. How will that be interpreted? I noticed that some were offended and others skeptical of what I had to say. I knew I needed to hide and I began to look for a place to do that. Instead, I saw Him and He saw me. He approached me, took my face in His hands and said, “Do not hide. Do not be silent. Pour yourself out for Me. Worship Me publicly in this place. I will defend you, so do not fear the crowd. Listen to My voice, for you know what it sounds like. Do what I’m asking you to do. This is for my glory.”

Something overcame me in that exchange, fear had no chance at all. Right there, in public, I fell to His feet and poured out my treasure. A fragrant perfume. He received it. I lost all awareness of the crowd, rather, all I could think was, “Why would He receive this from a prostitute?” For that is exactly who I knew myself to be.

At His feet, I’m in awe of what I’ve seen. And often, as I marvel at it all, I wonder if my heart has grown full of pride by it. I asked Him about that too. And He said, “You can only serve one master.” I can use this to try to please the crowd or to worship the Master. But I cannot be the servant of the crowd and the servant of the Master at the same time.

And so, I find myself echoing Paul's words in Galatians, "For am I now seeking approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ. For I would have you know, brothers, that the gospel that was preached by me is not man's gospel. For I did not receive it from any man, nor was I taught it, but I received it through a revelation of Jesus Christ."