swallow hard

I'm coming out of a pretty intense week where I witnessed people spending several days focused and intentional on seeking after God. And when several people do that together, it's not all that surprising that God reveals Himself in some big ways. In fact, it quickly becomes obvious that He is the One doing the pursuing; chasing hard after each individual.

I had a little agenda that I brought into the week, but I was far more aware of the fact that I had no idea what I was walking into. I was excited but also 'cautiously' curious at what God was going to bring up - especially considering that sin was the focus of the materials I'm in.

I'm not going to write out all that I processed this last week (we'll have to do coffee if you want the whole story); instead I'm gonna focus on where these things have taken me - because I'm stuck there. I went on a pretty raw journey that took me to the cross. And after spending some time there it occurred to me that in order to receive the nourishment needed for life, one has to drink of His suffering. It wasn't until later that day when we were taking communion that I heard Him say to me: "swallow." Instantly, without thinking, I responded, "but it doesn't taste good."

Swallow? What does that even look like? And why am I so caught off guard by it and the way it tastes? I mean, what was I expecting it to taste like? I guess what I'm getting at is that the cost of discipleship is hitting me a little hard.

I went to the story of Christ's crucifixion in John and kept reading till I hit the end where Jesus talks to Peter. These words of Jesus to Peter haunt me, "...and lead you where you don't want to go. Follow me!" What?! Am I reading that right? Is Christ really saying, "Look, Peter, if you follow me I'm going to take you where you don't want to go, so follow me."? And that's exactly what Peter did. He followed Christ right up to his own crucifixion.

Don't get me wrong, I want to swallow. I want to swallow hard. But I'm realizing that this is no small thing. Somewhere along the way I subconsciously began to think I'm entitled to an easy ride. The tension free life is just a few gentle words, some sacrificial acts of love, and a handful of fervent prayers away. But what if following Him means things not only stay hard, but they get harder? What if I'm led to those places that I don't want to go? And if I'm not willing to go there, then why am I following in the first place?

The Christian life can't be about using God. It's not about His benefits ... It's about Him! Peter wasn't following a path that would lead to what He wanted; He was following a person in whom was life.

So right now I'm asking myself: Am I following this person? When I recognize His voice, will I swallow what He gives me, even if it tastes bitter? Will I follow Him directly into the places He takes me, even if I don't want to go? Will I get over myself long enough to embrace my relationship with Him because I love Him, not to use Him? ... But then, really, is there any other choice?

Such extravagant love, that He would invite me to drink from His cup.