self reliance

A few weeks back I got nailed with one of the viruses that has been floating around this place. My brain doesn't do sick very well, it just sort of shuts off and makes me feel like everything is a dream. Even after the initial 'sickness' leaves, it still takes me a little while to feel like myself and think clearly again. But, with much relief, clarity has found me ... along with some incredible spring weather and an increasing realization that God is speaking right now. Actually, what He is saying has caught me a little off guard, which is what has motivated me to write on here.

I've been spending time entering into the story of Christ's temptation in the wilderness. He seems to have softened my heart a little extra this week and, through that, I've being impacted by this story in a whole new way. I don't think it's possible to condense all my thoughts into this paragraph, so I'll only mention a few of the places I ended up. Not sure how successful I'll be at communicating this, but I'll give it a shot. :)

I'm blown away by the boldness of God's Spirit. Christ's experience those 40 days were Spirit led, it says that. It's gotta takes confidence in something powerful for the Spirit to lead the Redeemer into extreme physical weakness and temptation, especially considering that if He fails, mankind loses their Savior. I'm not going to even touch trying to understand Christ being fully God and fully human in that moment, but regardless, I'm amazed that Christ is led into temptation, not shielded from it.

This is going to get too long if I keep explaining my train of thought, so I'll skip ahead to where this took me:

-The power that God's Spirit possesses is really powerful. So much so that with it there is nothing to fear. Nothing trumps it.
-Christ was tapped into something beyond and bigger than His physical experience and His appetite was for the Father's will.
-Christ was not using His experience as a test of whether the Father would really provide for His needs; that was just assumed. 
-I can sense Christ's reliance on the Father and it screams humility. This is where I ended up spending the most time thinking.

One of the questions posed at me was, what are my greatest temptations (especially connected to unmet longings)? I realize in answering this question that it's really the sort of thing God has to reveal to me; meaning that it's probably something I'm blind to. So, waiting for God to reveal this, I answered casually that I desire to be equipped but rarely feel that I am. Confidence is something that I marvel at but don't often participate in.

All of a sudden I felt like something heavy, profound, and eye-opening had fallen on me. Whoa! I think I've been subconsciously asking God to make me self-reliant. It's completely true that where I am weak, He is strong. But have I believed that where I am strong, I don't need Him? And worse, am I trying to grow equipped in my weaknesses so that I can further rely on myself? The temptation in that stems from a lie that the more control I have, the less disappointment I will face. Which then makes me ask, am I really so deceived as to think that there is any potential at all for God to disappoint me?

I'm drawn to Christ's example. I long for His humility. I want to be Spirit led, even (or especially) into the weakest of places. And I want to know His power and know His sufficiency and delight worshipfully in my Sustainer. The beauty of complete reliance (not just in my weakness) on an all-powerful, loving, intimately-involved God is a captivating thought.

The words in Exodus 14:14 keep echoing back at me while I think about these things: "The Lord will fight for you, you have only to be silent." ... This is the experience I find myself craving and having a strong appetite for. This, I think, is what it means to live outside myself in pure and complete reliance. To Him be the glory because the victory and power is His.