I just got back to Hungary after spending Christmas break in the states with the fam. I'll admit that at the moment I'm pretty 'homesick'. This trip home felt good. The time to 'just be' with family hit the spot; I guess I'd been craving it. So as I adjust to the time zone here, my mind is lingering on all the memories that were just made ... and in that lingering, I realized something. I realized that I really love the kitchen (a little random, I know). I think it's where the majority of family bonding takes place. It's central in the chaos. Everyone wanders there consistently ... usually looking for something to stick their fingers in. Converations seem to turn into laughter. And it's the place with the best smells; maybe it's the smells that causes everyone to end up there - it allures. The more 'kitchen' memories that come to mind, the more of a fan I'm becoming. It's gotta the best room in the house.
Anyways, this ramble has a point. Sometimes God takes me places in this journey that I'm on with Him and those places speak into what He's doing in my heart and life. Last night it hit me that I think we're in the kitchen; only I haven't been enjoying myself. The hot topic in my conversations with God right now is 'waiting'. I caught myself telling God that waiting feels wasteful. Did you catch that? I told the God of the universe, who holds all wisdom and all power, that I think He's wasting my time. As soon as I realized this is what my heart was saying, I sat back a little stunned at myself. And that dove me into a series of conversations with my Father about waiting- because it's not a waste and I don't want to live believing that it is.
In these conversations, I began searching for a way to describe what waiting on Him feels like. Eventually I found it. It feels like I'm sitting in the kitchen with an incredible aroma coming from the oven. I'm sitting anxious and eager for my Father (who made this mysterious something for me) to open the oven door and reveal a delicious surprise. But here's all the problems: I don't know what's in the oven, I'm just told it's good. There's no recipe sitting out, He didn't need one - so I can't investigate the ingredients. There's no timer, so I have no way of gauging how much longer I have to wait. I'm hungry and the smell only seems to intensify that. And the longer I sit, the more consumed I get with the waiting; not able to keep my eyes or my mind off the oven. ... The whole scene bothers me. When I think over all the moments I just had in the kitchen with my family, I don't remember feeling impatient for the food to get done. The gift was the fellowship, not the food. So why am I so consumed with what God is going to feed me? Why can't I simply enjoy Him?
You know, the thing about baking is that timing is everything. If you take it out too early, it's not what it was meant to be. Same is true if you leave it in too long. Why is it so hard to believe that waiting on Him is like that? That His timing is perfect?
Today in church we were asked, "Do you treasure Jesus?" I think I do. But sometimes I sit in His kitchen and I forget to enjoy the treasure. The treasure of knowing Him intimately. The treasure of talking with Him, laughing, or sometimes even dancing. The treasure of being in the presence of God and feeling my heart drawn into gratitude and worship.
I'm still pretty confused by waiting. I haven't come up with a 'neat' answer that satisfies the deepening questions I keep asking. But maybe the answers lie in the mystery, the place where my finite mind can't reach. Maybe the answer isn't even the point. Maybe He has me here simply to enjoy Him regardless of all the things I don't know. And maybe the change I'm longing for in my life doesn't come from the oven, maybe it comes from just being with Him in the kitchen.
